I love art. I love good art.
I see a lot of what I think is excellent art and I look at stuff that I don't understand either. I am often lost for words.
Talking about art can be frustrating, and if you're around people who know a lot about art, you could feel a bit intimidated.
Art people are strange people.
Critics are even stranger. They have studied the subject and seem to have a language all their own. Most of the time I don't understand them.
Actually, I find some criticism of art downright horse-pucky. It feels like slimy, self-serving, creepy drivel you want to scrape off the bottom of your shoe.
I hate thinking I'm not, "In the know." I don't want to feel out of the loop and art critics kinda make me feel that way.
Now, you too can talk like a critic.
If you get stuck for words to describe artwork, I've found the perfect website for you. I think it's been around for a while. It looks like it was coded in the 1990s. It's hilarious though. It will give you the right words to say to critique any piece of art.
Never feel like an art outsider again!
You can look a few phrases up and keep 'em for when you need 'em most.
It's called "The Instant Art Critique Phrase Generator." It generates an automatic critical response to any piece of artwork. The output is called a "Critical Response to the Art Product" or CRAP for short.
All you have to do is enter a five digit number, and the generator does everything else for you.
For example, if you enter - 62733
Here's your CRAP response:
"Umm... the disjunctive perturbation of the gesture endangers the devious simplicity of the remarkable handling of light."
If you enter - 07098
Your CRAP evaluation is:
"I'm troubled by how the aura of the biomorphic forms threatens to penetrate the substructure of critical thinking."
Enter - 12345
Yes, you guessed it, more CRAP:
"With regard to the issue of content, the disjunctive perturbation of the spatial relationships brings within the realm of discourse the distinctive formal juxtapositions."
If you have a couple of those phrases in your pocket, you'll never be short of words in any snooty, artsy atmosphere.
Give it a whirl. You're bound to have hours of fun. Well, at least a couple of minutes of fun.
Until next week, I wish you peace.